Holding up the wall
by essenceofsparkle
Summary: Buck doesn't want to go to the dance. He is tired of holding up the wall. But Emma forces him to go, telling him to give it another chance.


Emma had him cornered, but Buck Cross was never one to give up without a fight. He wasn't going to admit defeat until he was absolutely sure there was no way he would get out of this jam.

"I don't need a new suit," he said with determination. "The old one works just fine. Besides it's silly to pay for something that I don't need."

They had been over this before, just after the express had started and Emma suggested that they'd all go to church on Sundays. When they were alone, Buck had told her that he had been given this suit by the nuns at the mission school and they didn't have much to begin with so he wasn't going to toss anything that he had been given by them. Emma had to agree and the compromise had been that she'd take down the hem of the legs so that it would fit better. Buck had also managed to get an hour after church to go out and pray the way he had been taught as a child.

"Buck, it's threadbare and you have put on weight. There's no more fabric for me to take out," Emma tried to explain for the umpteenth time.

"It fits just fine. Besides I'm not going to the dance."

"Of course you are going to the dance."

Buck knew he had lost then. When Emma had her hands to her hips and her brow frowned just a little bit, but not so much that it would make her seem angry, you just had to do as she tells otherwise she would get madder than a wet hen.

Without really realizing how it had happened, Buck stood in the tailor shop being fitted for a suit that Emma was buying for him as an early birthday present.

"Don't you look handsome. I'm sure all the girls swill be falling for you at the dance," Emma said with pride in her voice.

'Yeah right,' Buck thought, though he did not speak the words out loud. "Emma, you didn't have to, it's not like I'm planning to go to the dance," Buck explained.

"Nonsense," Emma said. "Why wouldn't you want to go to the dance?"

"Emma, can we take this in private, please."

XXX

"It's private now," Emma said in a soft voice.

Buck looked down. Inside he had hoped that Emma would forget about the whole thing and they could ride home in silence. He had no such luck. Swallowing hard Buck searched for the right words to use. "Emma, it's not that I'm trying to be difficult or anything I'm just tired of holding up the wall."

"I'm sure a girl would dance with you if you just ask real nice," Emma said as she placed a hand on his arm.

"Yeah right, like anybody would want to dance with the half-breed!" Buck bit his lip and looked down. He hadn't meant to say it as loud or as harsh as it did; it had just come out that way. "I'm sorry," he mumbled.

"Don't be, love. I know that you haven't had the best of luck with women, but that don't mean that you've got to give up."

"It's better to give up than to feel pain with every rejection," Buck stated as a matter of fact.

"Don't say that. I'm sure there's a pretty lady out there just waiting for you to be her knight in shining armor." Emma wasn't sure what more she could say. It seemed that when Buck had his mind made up, there was nothing that could change it.

"I'll go to the dance," Buck said with an inkling of defeat in his voice.

"That's what I wanted to hear. Now you just wait and see 'till everybody catches a look at you in your brand new suit."

Buck only nodded. The battle was definitively lost.

XXX

It was Sunday now and after church. Buck was out in the meadow for what he had begun to call his alone time. Usually he would write in his journal, but today he couldn't because there was no more journal left for him to write in. He had even made his handwriting on the last page smaller and smaller so that he would have room for it all.

Flipping his finger through the book, Buck stopped at random passages;

"It's strange – the more I try to be and act white, the more I feel that I need to be Kiowa and when I try to be all Kiowa, I feel a need to be white just for the sake of fitting in. I don't understand."

"A man spat on me after church today. His wife laughed. I'm glad Emma didn't see. I don't understand God."

The phrase, 'I don't understand' seemed to repeat itself and it was true. He didn't understand anything. Buck sighed, there was a lot in this world that he'd never understand. In the end, Buck figured, there wasn't a point in understanding anything at all. It wasn't a point in trying to figure out of he was Kiowa or white, he could just be a pony express rider and leave it at that.

XXX

"Do you want an extra helping?" Emma asked Buck. She'd noticed that Buck's portion were smaller than usual, not that the boy was a big eater to begin with.

"No thank you ma'am. I have work to do. May I be excused?" Buck didn't wait for the answer but stood up and picked up his hat on the way out.

The barn always offered a safe place. There was something about the building that made Buck lower his shoulders and just relax, not think. The horses couldn't ask him if he wanted an extra helping or to go to the saloon and Buck was grateful for it.

"You alright?" asked Kid as he poked his head in the door.

"Fine, I just have some chores to finish up."

"Um, you do know that those are Cody's chores."

"Yeah and like he's going to do it when he in reality is mooning over his latest love interest." Buck didn't mean to say it like a bad thing, but he envied Cody and his easiness around the fairer sex. Taking a piece of leather soap, Buck began to rub at the saddle with renewed vigor.

"Okay, don't let me keep you from anything," Kid said as he shook his head and shut the door behind him.

Buck grumbled curses under his breath as he dug into saddle.

XXX

"Emma," said Kid as he entered the main house. "I think there's something wrong with Buck. You know the way he's been acting lately. Only interested in doing his job, doing everybody's job. I'm worried about him."

"I know you are. We all are. I think it might have something to do with the dance that's coming up and him not wanting to go." Emma shook her head and sat down at the table. "I only hope that Buck is just going through a phase of some sort. That his confidence will come back."

The Kid swallowed and nodded. "I think maybe after the dance things will be better for Buck. Um, it isn't my place to say, but I think that he needs to learn not to expect that everybody is out to get him. Though it is hard not to think so when half the town wants to see you dead. Sometimes I wish that I could be Buck for one day, just to feel what he feels."

Emma sighed, "I think we all could do some good from being Buck for one day, Kid."

XXX

The day of the dance was approaching quick and Buck worked harder and harder, his blisters were complaining that they had blisters. Along with the amount of work that he did, Buck's mood worsened and he snapped at everything and everybody. When asked something, he usually answered with as few words as possible and added a 'sir' or 'ma'am' at the end.

The day was here and everybody was getting dressed in their Sunday clothes and combed their hair. Buck did the same because he felt that he had to go since Emma had bought him the new suit.

As always the dance hall was decorated in bright red, white and blue and Buck was always fascinated over how they managed to get those bright colors. A few faces turned as the small group from the Pony Express entered the room. Slowly Buck moved to the edge of the room and tried his best to become one with the wall.

The band started to play and without realizing it, Buck began to tap the rhythm with his foot. It was a nice tune with a fast beat to it and from what Buck could understand of the words it was called "My Irish Molly". Realizing that he was doing exactly what he had promised himself that he wouldn't Buck stopped tapping his foot and his face gained a stone-like impression.

As the song ended, Cody moved away from the young blonde that he had been dancing with and went to stand next to Buck.

"You should have some fun and not stand there pouting like you just heard that the world is going to end," said Cody and he took a glass of punch.

"I don't know how to dance," he lied. "I think it might be better if I left." Buck was about to head for the door when he felt Cody's hand on his arm.

Miss Martha Llewellyn has been eying you all evening. Go talk to her. I mean, what's the worst that could happen, that she'd turn you down. There are other fish in the sea my friend." At that note Cody gave his friend a pat on the back and moved to whoever his new ladylove may be.

Buck looked over to where Miss Llewellyn stood and smiled slightly. She smiled back, but it was probably meant for someone who stood close to him. Buck decided that if he wasn't going to leave, he could at least take a breath of fresh air. As far as he knew it wasn't against the law.

The night air met him with a strange delight. As soon as he set foot outside it was as if everything just got a little bit fresher, smelled a lot nicer too. Buck drew a deep breath and savored all the smells and the freshness of it all.

"It's a nice evening, isn't it?" said Martha Llewellyn as she wrapped her shawl just a little but tighter around her body.

"It is. Are you cold?" Buck asked as he saw that she was shivering. He moved to take of his coat.

"No, no, I'm fine. A little chill has never killed anyone." Then she smiled. "Why weren't you dancing with anyone inside?"

"I don't know." Suddenly Buck got embarrassed and started to look for a way out.

"Why not?" asked Martha.

"Because I don't know how to dance." Why was he telling her this? It wasn't as if they were old friends sitting in their respective rockers talking about old times.

"I'm not the best dancer myself." There was a small blush coming to her face and Buck couldn't help but to smile when he noticed.

"Umm," he said. He wasn't sure what he was going to do next. Inside the band had started to play another song. "Umm," he said again.

"Yes?" smiled Martha.

"Umm, would you like to maybe dance."


End file.
